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When the problem isn't a lack of faith… It's a nervous system in crisis.

By Dr. Roch

There are marriages without sexual intimacy.
But almost no one admits it.

Much less so when it comes to spiritual leaders.

I recently saw a woman — a leader in her church, married for 22 years, with four children — who had gone more than 14 months without intimacy with her husband.

Not for lack of love.
Not because of infidelity.
Not because of open conflict.

Due to bodily disconnection.

She prayed.
She went to the counseling office.
He consulted doctors.
She tried hormone supplements.
He tried to "make an effort".

Nothing changed.

When we analyzed the scam, something very clear emerged:

His nervous system was in chronic survival mode.

Sustained stress.
Perfectionism.
Excessive responsibility.
Take care of everyone… except her.

And when the nervous system enters survival mode:

  • Cortisol levels rise.
  • The body lives in a constant state of alert.
  • The fight, flight, or freeze response is activated.
  • Everything that requires vulnerability is turned off.

And sexual desire is one of the first things to fade.

It was not a sin.
It wasn't a lack of faith.
It wasn't heartbreak.

It was biology.

When we started working on nervous regulation — micro-behaviors, real rest, body awareness and deactivation of mental assaults — her body began to come out of the emergency state.

Week 3: She no longer tensed up when her husband touched her.
Week 6: The sensation is back.
Week 8: He sought it out of his own volition.

Four months later he wrote to me:

“I thought God wasn’t answering my prayers.
Now I understand that I needed to teach my body that it was safe.”

Professional reflection

In leadership, in relationships, and in life:

Many problems that we believe to be moral or spiritual
They are, in reality, physiological.

A depleted nervous system cannot love, create, lead, or enjoy.

He can survive.
But it can't connect.

If there is love in your relationship…
But your body is shut down…

Maybe you don't need any more guilt.

Perhaps you need regulation.

—

Dr. Roch
Specialist in human behavior
www.drroch.mx