Do you know what the root of jealousy is?

“If he/she is jealous it is because he/she loves you”, “I am jealous because I love you”, “worry when I stop being jealous, because it means that I am no longer in love with you”... These are phrases that we have surely all heard (and even said at some point). Few emotions are as complex as jealousy, where disparate and always intense feelings swirl together.

However, we must be clear: Jealousy does not demonstrate love. In reality, they are an emotional response to the fear of losing something, something that we otherwise assume "belongs to us", that is our property. An idea that is undoubtedly highly worrying and negative.

The rival of jealousy is not someone of “flesh and blood”, but the image of what one wants to become…

Jealousy They are an alarm signal that informs us of the existence of a danger. Thus, this risk is nothing other than the fear of losing the affection of our loved one. These are emotional realities that are usually accompanied by intense feelings such as abandonment and exclusion, internal experiences that, as expected, are experienced in an extreme and painful way.

You can feel jealous about many things, but above all They are related to those areas in which the person feels most insecure… It is common to experience this feeling when we see people who are more competent than us, and above all, when we fear losing that bond with our emotional partners and even, why not, with our friends.

Jealousy occurs not only with one's partner (although it is the most typical case), but also between siblings, cousins, friends, relatives, work colleagues, etc. That is why this feeling, present in all cultures for thousands of years, is part of songs, myths, legends, books and of course, scientific research.

Starting from the mistaken idea that someone belongs to us

If we put aside the perception that the other is our heritage, jealousy would not exist.It's that simple. Human beings have naturally been raised in an environment where they appropriate everything around them. We keep something because we like it, it makes us feel good, we enjoy it and we want it to be at our mercy whenever we want.

In the specific case of couples, where there are more cases of jealousy, the feelings and opinions of both should be important. This means that a balance must be achieved. We cannot pretend that the other is an object that does what we want., when, how, where and as many times as we want.

On the other hand, evolutionary psychologists point out that jealousy is a type of emotion that should not be suppressed. And we should not do so for a very simple reason: If we veto and hide it, they will still be there, latent and dangerous. We must understand them for what they are, a warning sign that we must manage.. Most of the time, they stem from unfounded fears and insecurities, psychological dimensions that we must deal with in ourselves.

What is the root of jealousy?

In the 1990s, an extensive study was conducted by New York University seeking to understand the root of jealousy. The results revealed something that psychologists themselves had already suspected: jealousy is caused by insecurity, low self-esteem and, above all, by an upbringing in which there was no healthy attachment. Thus, as people mature and grow, they develop dependent behaviors towards their partners, where jealousy is very common.

On the other hand, a study published in the journal Developmental Psychology warns of something we cannot ignore. Our teenagers are becoming more jealous and controlling. Nowadays, jealousy and aggression, as well as abuse and control towards one's partner are realities that we see more and more frequently. This is something to think about.

Dependency, lack of self-esteem and fear of loneliness, the key to jealousy

The couple needs autonomy from each of its members, needs to be able to decide, to grow personally and professionally. Creating a satisfactory bond with the loved one implies knowing how to grow in the relationship by creating strong ties, but also knowing how to let go so that both are capable of achieving personal goals.

Do you think there is any greater demonstration of love than the person next to us being happy and having the free will to do what they want?

Of course, at this point is when we think: If I “let” him/her do what he/she wants, he/she will surely cheat on me or behave in a way he/she shouldn’t. Not necessarily… The most important reason or cause of jealousy is the feeling of self-depreciation, low self-esteem and fear of being abandoned.

As we can see, this presence of excessive fears and lack of emotional and personal development generates high levels of unhappiness in the long term. So what can we do to “cure” jealousy?

• The important thing is to go directly to the root that generates them. It is normal that we all have parts of ourselves that we do not like or would like to improve, the problem is when we reject these parts in a destructive way, and instead of transforming them we hurt them more with our thoughts and actions.

It is therefore necessary that we invest in ourselves, that we enhance our self-esteem, our self-concept and personal image. It is also vital that we learn to allow space and trust in the people we love.

Don't believe that story that jealousy means love

If your partner is controlling your every move, criticizing how you dress or forbidding you to spend time with your friends and family, react and open your eyes: this love is not healthy.

If he/she spies on you while you're texting or emailing, if he/she feels uneasy when you go to work and makes excuses for you to stay home, or if when you return from every place, you have to endure a kind of interrogation, react. Maybe it's time to talk and get some things straight.

It is said that a sickly jealous person is impossible to recover from, but what can be done is to prevent things from getting worse.How? By talking about it, making him understand that he has a problem (even if he hasn't realized it) and helping that person understand that trust is very important in a relationship.

Accepting the feelings we experience and trying to understand them and talk about them with our partner is a good solution.

Let's prevent jealousy from sabotaging our relationships and don't hesitate to ask for help when we feel it's necessary. Sometimes, behind jealous behavior there may be hidden personality or emotional disorders that need to be worked on.. Let us not neglect for tomorrow the unhappiness we feel today.

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